under the bridge isn't looking so bad now..

i was laying in bed this morning before i got up and i was thinking about how i got told to live here (pretty much because my case manager claimed she couldn't find any other apartments that would rent to someone who got evicted from another apartment..). i'm almost positive that amanda may have spoke to the last lady who used to run this ICS living program to get her agree to let me live here. i'm sure amanda isn't aware that lady isn't the boss here anymore because she never keeps track of what goes on with me- except stalking me through my blog. only immature asses like my sister do that. so you're joining the club! ever considered the fact that if you ACTUALLY communicated with ME- you wouldn't have to be on the same level as nosey ass sisters and moms who are basically "spying" because they don't talk to me otherwise and they don't have anything better to do with their lives. all you people need to grow up and use the energy you use to read my blog all the time (to the point i can't take a shit without someone knowing about it) to make your OWN damn lives! go fishing.. play chess.. play or help all of your children with school work.. take a jog outside or in a damn gym- DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE WHICH WILL ACTUALLY GET YOU RESULTS IN LIFE- OTHER THAN PISS ME OFF. one might say "well you don't have to write in your blog if you have such a problem with them reading it." i write in my blog for MY OWN GOOD. psychologically, it helps me express my thoughts and feelings.. it also helps me with memory since i have difficulty remembering things sometimes because of my traumatic brain injury. i would've probably slit my wrists or ran out in front of a driving car on the street a long time ago if i wasn't able to express myself through my blog. my life isn't a source of entertainment for you. make your own life if you feel so damn bored to be nosey about mine. it's not gonna get you anywhere stalking me. so when it comes time for me to move from this apartment or if i happen to get so pissed off with something in this particular apartment again like in burnsville (the caretaker sitting in the apartment across the hall from my apartment EVERY DAY didn't help things either), i eventually make an angry scene so that i get kicked out of here- I'M NOT GONNA HAVE ANYWHERE I CAN GO! doesn't concern amanda.. she has somewhere to live.. I GOT THIS! (according to her).. or if this living program happens to end for some reason- I WON'T BE ABLE TO LIVE IN ANOTHER APARTMENT THANKS TO THOSE DICKS IN BURNSVILLE!.. doesn't concern amanda though even though she happens to be my "advocate"! "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL i'll be told. wonder if there's any nice bridges around here where i can live until they arrest me for being homeless. OH BUT I COULD ALWAYS BE STUCK INTO A GROUP HOME (WHICH MY GRANDMA ABSOLUTELY REFUSED TO PUT ME IN WHEN SHE WAS LIVING)! another example of amanda's careless ability to advocate for me PROPERLY! just as long as i don't use too much toilet paper when i go to her house! which is more than likely the reason why she'll never invite me to her house.. which is also more than likely contributing to why she didn't ask me to spend christmas with her this year.. "well what about her own mom?" my mom prefers to stalk me also and she doesn't bare ANY responsibility to her OWN daughter (she can't even take accountability for the two incisions i have on my abdomen region because she thought it was a good idea to use ME as a shield while my dad was kicking her when i was an infant and she had me in her arms)!.. plus, she's negative- i told myself i wasn't gonna deal with negativity starting last year.. ALL she does when she calls me is COMPLAIN. i'm not sure if it's to "spur" my interest or wtf but it DOESN'T. go play checkers or something. so in case you may be wondering where i got this ability to complain so much.. LOOK AT MY MOM! ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS SHE HAS GAVE ME IN THIS LIFE BESIDES PTSD! then i know certain moms are saying "YOU SHOULD BE MORE GRATEFUL!".. YEAH! GRATEFUL FOR HAVING A FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) WHO ONLY PAYS ATTENTION AND CARE TO ME WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL FOR THEM! or how bout the shitty ass renting record i have thanks to smokers?! YEAH! I CAN BE GRATEFUL ON THE EDGE OF BEING HOMELESS! ROCK ON!.. seriously, worry about YOURSELF before taking the iniative to say anything about their lack of gratefulness to anyone. i haven't heard any lectures about how i should be more "grateful" from her lately though.. i'm just thinking of any possible reactions i may get from this post. i might be considered paranoid for that but whatever. i need to contact the guy that justin suggested to me soon though because no one else is concerned about me being on the edge of being homeless, it doesn't concern them personally so I GOT THIS!.. pfft. you're NOT "helping" me by NOT helping me. I ALMOST DIED OVER 23 YEARS AGO. I WAS IN A COMA FOR 6 MONTHS. THE DOCTORS WANTED TO DISCONNECT THE LIFE SUPPORT BECAUSE THEY TOLD MY GRANDMA I'D BE A VEGETABLE ALL MY LIFE IF AND WHEN I CAME OUTTA THE COMA. if amanda was there- she wouldn't hesitate to unhook the life support for her CONVENIENCE and because that's what doctors said! so i can be grateful that i didn't have an advocate who was only concerned about her own convenience and benefit. i also busted my ass in rehabilitation at the courage center (and with the help of tram who never was concerned about liability so he actually got me OUT of my chair!) for at least 7 years. if i hadn't got myself kicked outta that burnsville shithole- I'D PROBABLY STILL BE LIVING THERE THANKS TO HOW LITTLE AMANDA CARES ABOUT MY WELL-BEING. JUST AS LONG AS IT'S CONVENIENT FOR HER AND MAKES HER APPEAR "CARING" AND "SUPPORTIVE"!.. merry fuckin christmas.